by: Joshua Pramuk
So this week it looks like we are in for a wild ride! On Vanderpump Rules it starts with Katie and Stassi getting their asses and vaginas waxed. Hold the hot wax! Katie is a newbie no surprise there she is a cave woman. Stassi goes first because she's taken a ride on the vaganal express before. This looks painful as f**k. Wow! Nice ass Stassi! Here we go Katie is up. The lady doing the waxing makes a comment about how great it is! The buddy System! Yay! Umm no, waxing someone is not going to make you famous. Katie really honey? I've never been there, but I feel for you. So Katie decides not to finish the ripping and the tearing. 'I'll stick with my bic.' Do that.
Then Jax texts Stassi up... ughhhhh haven't we had enough. Stassi claims Jax is a sex addict. I guess until we find out if he's bi-sexual I'm not sold on that. It's my girl Scheana serving drinks like a pro at SUR. Stassi walks up, and Scheana tells her the first article she wrote is up with the pictures. Stassi with her hate plagued heart says 'I am going to go leave ugly comments' like it's a joke but we all know it isn't. Scheana, your make-up is always flawless! Write about what you know and love (like me!) Scheana then invites Stassi to drinks to look over her article, I understand wanting to repair a friendship, I do but Stassi isn't a true friend to Scheana you have to be six feet under not to see THAT! Stassi says yes. It's obvious by the sadistic comments made by Stassi in her interview.
Katie, Peter, Lisa, and Stassi are at SUR. Peter invites Lisa to his party. Whaaat? Don't get me wrong, love Lisa but inviting your boss to your birthday party? Have to agree Ms. Vanderpump, Diva in heels. They just want you to pick up the check GIRL. She says she'll try to make it. I really hope she does. Stassi walks into Jax... 'blah, blah. Banged a twenty one year old. Blah blah blah, you like twenty one year old dancers of ALL kind' Stassi acknowledges he's supposed to date other people yet she is just focusing on how he is interfering with her life... Is this Stassi and Company? When did they change the title? Stassi says she'll quit. Jax, please keep calling and texting her for the sake of the human race! Jax looks so hurt by blunt words, but hey bro. That's who you picked.
Stassi runs to Katie and Peter to vent right after talking to Jax. Stassi calls it being a strong woman tearing a man to pieces. At the same time Jax is a dog, a liar, he's not even all that. Those comments last week about strippers and porn stars should put anyone off. Then again there are a lot of sluts out there who probably don't care. Please get the Ajax . Kristen and Tom Sandoval, Tom is putting effort because Kristen and her trust issues. Look! We get a shot of Tom in the mirror. How much you want to bet he looked at himself at least twenty four times before they left... that's being generous.
Next up, Jax and Tom Schwartz. Jax makes a lame joke about the Backstreet Boys wanting their jacket back. Jealous much Jax? Because Tom has all kinds of swag tonight. Dang boy umm I'd hit that (hope you take that as a compliment Tom and Katie) Hahaha Tom brings Jax Magnums. I doubt very highly that Jax has more than six inches. Now Sandoval has taken Kristen out to a place that hardly serves any vegetarian items.. (Spicy Cabbage Stew? Ummm no!) What a douche Sandoval, eating raw meat while your girl can't get anything nice. Tom says that part of dating Kristen is doing constant damage control? Really if you know her that well then damage control wouldn't be necessary. He is so like the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz #IfIOnlyHadABrain
Jax is going on a date with this girl named Page who looks like she's in middle school, except her nose which is probably from the use of too much coke. Jax the more you talk about your 'game' the more everyone is put off. They end up making out, and going back to his place. I bet he didn't get laid. Seven girls in two weeks Jax? We all know you’re a liar, and you’re looking horrible. Has Stassi sent you on a drug and sex downward spiral? Or is this just what depression looks like? Lisa shows up to tell Jax that Stassi and him fighting all the time is not cool, but she knows it turns both of them on. At least that's what I get from it. Jax says he's not going Peter's party, we all know you just don't want to see the girl who's name is tattooed on your arm, quit lying. Oh wait! It's what you do best! He goes on to say he's going to see a therapist, the same one he lied to last year. That's productive.
Here we go! So Scheana meets up with Stassi and reads her article. Stassi says it's really good. BTW Scheana you look freaking fabulous! Werk honey! Stassi then tells Scheana her writing style reminds Stassi of her own. Who's writing this article again? Scheana is trying to mend bridges, but I don't see it happening. Stassi is calling Scheana a snitch, but b**ch you are the only reason Lisa doesn't like you that much. Thank you Scheana you are a real friend! You are not a back stabbing, conniving person. Stassi has shown she will throw her 'best friends' under a bus. Who does that? Stassi just showed her true colors, saying that she is basically using Scheana so her bosses won't be mad at her. Your true colors are showing Stassi, it definitely doesn't look like a rainbow, looks more like an ugly Christmas sweater.
Peter's party!! Shots going around, music jamming. A party I want to be at for sure! Lisa arrives… the queen has entered the building. She looks fabulous! Scheana get it!! That was a nice, clean lap dance lol. But of course Katie says Scheana is slutting it up? That was all in fun Katie. Stick in the mud no report to the dance floor!! Katie is now going in on Scheana about the lap dance. Katie you don't wear the color envy well at all. Kristen says Scheana isn't friends with any of them, and Stassi who can't be fake in front of her 'real friends' has nothing to say. Scheana if I were you I would just tell all the girls 'That's funny because I just made up with Stassi, and she told me that I'm the only friend that matters. BOOM.' I know it would be a lie but hey it would catch attention, funny Stassi that you don't care who you hurt.
So Kristen and Katie both go in on Scheana. It's not pretty, Katie looks like a drunk dreamsicle in the middle of August, and is slurring her words like Kim Richards on a good day. Scheana you tell them!! You are better than them. Katie calls Scheana garbage right in front of Shay. Katie as Scheana said you described yourself. 'A sad soul' When even your boyfriend says your in the wrong. I know that you’re not right.
Jax in therapy YAY! That's total sarcasm BTW. He tells her he can't be faithful. Whaaat? Jax you didn't know there were sex addicts? Hello Californiacation. In this therapy session, it doesn't seem like your heart is it Jax. The only reason you like therapy is because you can talk as long as you want without judgment even though you're not being truthful. The therapist asked him about reading books, and he replies 'I went and saw THE Gatsby' OMG. So the night after Katie's drunken night we found out she said that Kristen and Jax slept together. I really don't think Kristen would go there. I hope not, because Jax is not cute. Katie comes up, and all she says 'I hate me' after last night I guess so. Till next week Josh
Follow Joshua on Twitter: Follow @jponfire28
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday nights at 9/8c only on Bravo!
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday nights at 9/8c only on Bravo!
Photo Credit: Bravo