On Tuesday's episode, we begin with Kristen and Carole headed out together for waxes prior to their Montana trip because doesn't everyone need a bikini wax for a girls' trip to a dude ranch? Carole gets a Brazilian every 3 weeks ("I'm just not into the '70s kind of look"), and Kristen gets waxed all over...not sure what to make of that one, but keep it up, girl, because you look good. Carole admits to calling Russ to clear up the Sonja rumor and Carole believes him. In her best talking head of the night, Carole says that Sonja isn't his tyre, but that Russ is definitely Sonja's type "because he does have a penis." Bam! As Carole puts it, "Girls getting waxed together, that's a new level of friendship." After one application, she asks Kristen to blow on it!
Next we join Ramona and Aviva at AIRE ancient baths where they enter soaking pools. Ramona manages not to get one hair even moist, and Aviva knows better than to splash--she needs all the friends she can get! Ramona rants about how boring Montana will be and Aviva agrees but then says that, within one month, she has devoped moderate to sever asthma...and an allergy to horses.
Back at the waxing, Kristen describes the fabulosity to come in Montana: skeet shooting, mountain repelling, etc. Am I the only one that thinks that maybe that's not so glamorous for a woman with one leg, Kristen? I do love that Aviva says she owes it to Ramona to go and show her fun side after being a buzzkill previously. This means we get to see the clip of Aviva telling Sonja and Ramona, "Clearly you're both white trash!" See: Aviva isn't always a liar!
On to Sonja's house where the trusty pickles is learning the appropriate lingerie for every occasion. Apparently there's a panty for everything! Church, wedding, funeral? Sexy J has got you covered. Pickles may not be getting paid but this is valuable info!
Ramona and Kristen now enter Space Cowboy, a western shop. The creepy sales guy is gonna bring out the one pair of white chaps in stock for Ramona and, thank you Andy and Jesus, for that part getting cut. Now Ramona is telling Kristen about Aviva's asthma and Kristen is NOT buying it! Just in time, Aviva walks in, wearing a fabulous western themed dressed, only to announce that she can't handle the trip. Upon Kristen's accusations, Aviva whips out a doctor's note! Kristen isn't buying this either so Aviva reaches in her bag and begins throwing prescriptions at Kristen, shouting "Are these fake?" Wow. I was hoping Rmona would catch the Xanax but, in a beautiful twist of fate, Ramona announces she was prescribed Xanax and Valium. Thank you, doctor! I think it's working. Ramona then has a classic talking head: "Aviva literally opens up her bag of crazy, and throws it at Kristen." Kristen then tells Aviva that she does not have asthma, but she is CRAZY!
On to Carole and Kristen discussing the fun to come and saying that Aviva is allergic to fun...and horses. Carole announces that she is afflicted with pistanthrophobia: fear of trusting people based on bad experiences. Fair enough, Princess Radziwill! Now Kristen is telling Josh about the situation and he says, "You're gonna see pictures of Aviva in Aspen, on the chair lifts...smoking cigarettes." Ok, one point for Josh. I have to tune out the rest of this scene because Kristen and Josh make me uncomfortable...not Shannon and David Beador uncomfortable, but uncomfortable nonetheless.
Now it's on to Casa Drescher, where I want to live by the way, and Reid tells Aviva there's no way she is going on this trip. Throughout the scene, Aviva sucks on inhalers like she's lost in space and they are oxygen. Then it's casually dropped that Aviva had Legionairre'a Disease! WTF? Did I miss this?
All the others are now arriving at the Missoula airport and, even in her absence, Aviva owns the scene. The first thing the ladies see: a wheelchair with Aviva's name on it! #HeartSmile Carole makes the observation that there are more stuffed bears than people in the airport. Heather points out that this is a location where people move to cope with asthma. The women are all horrified at the ranch at first glass, but it turns out lovely. "Huckleberrry Juice" is passed around and Ramona has had her Pinot sent in so all is well with the world.
The women are divided into two cabins (Ramona, Carole & Sonja in one and and LuAnn, Heather & Kristen in the other). The cabins and landscape are beautiful. All the women throw themselves at the cowboys and they go cattle herding. We are treated to old footage of Sonja being thrown off a horse. She asks what she will need on the horse, other than her phone. Oh Sonja. Girl bonding and cattle herding ensue.
All the ladies go to dinner...at a horse arena. Queen Singer feels like she's eating with horse manure and I so hope Kristen did this on purpose. Sonja goes into how she gained 7lbs last week because of the full moon. She is telling this to the WAITER, followed by how she is now losing weight based on the moon's new phase. Wow. Then LuAnn saves it for me by asking Sonja to tell the facialist story. Carole calls out Sonja. LuAnn calls out Sonja on all of it and tells her, "I would've grabbed her stuff and said get the hell out of my apartment." #EtiquetteByTheCountess LuAnn storms out and that's a wrap! This feud looks to lead into next week, where I'm hoping for fewer horses and more drama.
Thanks for reading and, until next week, please don't breathe that fresh mountain air...I need you guys alive!
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The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesday nights at 9/8c on Bravo!
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