If you haven't been watching Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars with Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smile, then you've been missing out! This week's episode proves why!
We start with Jenni and Roger. Jenni is better known as JWoWW from The Jersey Shore. Jenni believes someone in the house sold a story about her to Life & Style Magazine. We have no idea what the story says but Jenni says she only told three people. Roger says 'No you didn't Jenni, remember? I got the E-mail.' Have no fear guys because detective Gretchen is on the case! 'Something just seems off with Jenni. She hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since being in this house.' Red flags immediately! Jenni could drink most men under the table. She's a party girl. Gretchen goes on to say 'it doesn't take a brain surgeon at this point to figure out what is happening.' Whispering in Slade's ear, 'She's pregnant.' Well of course she is!
Jenni has removed her mic to talk to Roger, and he throws his mic against the wall. Roger didn't break it. Jenni basically knows that production is trying to sell the story. Jenni says she has never sold a story and I for one believe her. Production can be assholes, and it's obvious that they want to sell the story for ratings! WHAT ASSHOLES! Roger says he knows of five people that Jennifer has told. Roger doesn't like being in the public eye, but he loves Jenni. Roger is making an effort and I'm happy to report Jenni is starting to open up!
The drill today is about communication in the bed room. Tanisha (Bad Girls Club) is not afraid to beat on her man in front of cameras, but she’s shy talking about sex?? Give me a fucking break. Tanisha, sex is an everyday topic! Man up. She said she's been taught to keep sex topics 'behind close doors.' Okkkkayyy, but yelling at your man and hitting him is for the public?? Welcome to planet #AngerIssues brought to you by Tanisha. So it's love puppets time! Gretchen and Slade are first! Yassss, werk Gretchen. Gretch gets Mrs. Clam hahaha freaking hysterical. Slade gets Mr. Sausage. I mean how great is this? Gretchen or Mrs. Clam has to tell Mr. Sausage what she wants from him sexually. Now this is the Gretchen we know and love, she’s funny! Using a Texan accent as Mrs. Clam makes that much funnier. 'Mr. Sausage man why do you have to go so hard, it's hurting Mrs. Clam.' I am DYING. Gretchen you seriously need to think about doing voiceovers for comedy animation. 'I want more than two orgasms per sexual encounter... then you come over and rub down my body.' Comments from the peanut gallery include 'Gretchen didn't CLAM UP on this one '- says Kevin, Traci Braxton's husband. 'Tell us how you really feel' says Tanisha. Gretchen has always been open and REAL that's why I love her!
'Mrs. Clam is VERY vocal in the bathroom... wait!' Everyone is laughing at this comment by Slade, and so am I. Too funny!! Gretchen says basically not where we we're last night! Hey mad props, get it girl. You need to keep the relationship spicy. Roger says he'll never look at people with a southern accent the same, or watch Sesame Street again. Gretchen says her Slade could make a lot of money doing #MuppetPorn, it would be really entertaining, that's a given. Traci Braxton and Kevin are next. Traci and Kevin get the donut, and the hotdog??? Okaaay. Traci wants more intimacy and Kevin wants more foreplay. Oh it's not your typically foreplay though, what it is, is non-foreplay really! He wants good communication and believing him. He wants to talk to feel like he's her man. Traci is all 'Then when he wants to talk I feel like a dude, I just don't wanna..' Girl I'm with you, talking about your relationship is so draining before sex, foreplay is oral sex, caressing, and dirty talk period. This puppet shit is IT. I mean reality comedy at it's finest! 'Mrs. Donut wants to know if you can RIIIISSSEEE to the oh-ccasion” says Traci.
Now on the love couch Tanisha and Clive get the Donut and the Hot Dog. I have to say WTF? The only two black couples get the Donut and Hot Dog? Tanisha starts fanning herself, she's so shy, this bitch is never, I MEAN NEVER SHY. Pull it together! She has hard time even starting. I'M FLOORED, Tanisha laid me out. 'I'd prefer if you were a little more violent.' She meant aggressive, but I don't even care. LET YOU’RE FREAK FLAG FLY! She wants to crawl to him YASSSS! Clive needs some TLC too. Tanisha, pleasure your man girl, like he said it's a two way street. If you won't, someone else will. Honestly he deserves someone better, your one cold bitch sometimes. Now it's America's Sweetheart's, the only still married couple from the Bachelor or Bachelorette, Trista and Ryan. 'Everyone knows they've never done anything except missionary' says Slade and it’s so true! Hey guys, you know it's what we were all thinking. Trista gets a tunnel and Ryan gets a Cho Cho Train? All Aboard? I'd rather NOT take this ride, and say I did. These two here I can't, Ryan says he wants to get through the tunnel, but he wants it to be more of a quality tunnel. Makes her sound loose, not a good look.
Jenni and Roger get the Clam and the Sausage. The two most interesting couples get the same thing. Jenni wants more affection, she wants to feel Roger cares for her. He's a man's man. It's hard for him to show affection, but if I had to deal with the Jersey Shore for three years I think I'd run screaming in the other direction after night one. Kudos Roger, Kudos. All the guest are called outside, communication taking it to the next step. A four part obstacle course where one does the course blind folded, while the other calls directions from the balcony above. They all have to wear an electronic shocking device! Automatically Traci is like no way! Her face says hell naw, fuck no, shit no... Did I say fuck no? First part of the course is a puzzle, but some pieces are smaller or larger so they won't fit. Second, they have tp build a pyramid, having numbers 1-8 placed in the correct order. Third is to roll a big ass ball to the finish line. Fourth, find the megaphone in the haystack that your partner dropped in it. There is a ten minute time limit, the more times the communication is busted, the more times you get a jolt of electricity.
Up first in this mentally disturbed, but very entertaining communication electro shock therapy is Jenni and Roger. Jenni is calling out instructions and Roger is on the obstacle course. Roger is getting frustrated quickly; he isn't listening to her the more he gets shocked the more pissed he gets at her. Jenni, is actually trying, but with each section of the course Roger gets more and more rude. Roger, like you could have guided her any better! I can just see him with the mega phone getting ticked off because she isn't moving the way he wants. Thank goodness she was giving directions. If not they probably wouldn't have remembered each other at the end of the course.
Traci and Kevin can't get shit to work for them, they only made it to second section! The communication between them was horrible, but the horror is about to come. Tanisha and Clive. Tanisha is already yelling at Clive to make sure he saw where the lady put the fog-horn in the haystack. Girl, you haven't even started yet. Worst communication award here we come. Clive keeps saying ‘uhhh uhhh’ he's giving no direction and Tanisha keeps screaming so the shocks are coming a-plenty. I am living for Tanisha getting shocked while yelling 'Imma fuck you up!' You just fucked yourself up! Ab-so-lut-ly! Tanisha definitely isn't a fishy girl. Communication grade F for failure. Next, Ryan and Trista. Apparently braking like a little expensive dog is how you communicate with your spouse because Trista lead Ryan straight through that course. The only one's to finish so far.
Slade will be directing Gretchen, this should be interesting! I disagree with the counselors. They are ripping on Gretchen and Slade for using the words ‘honey’ and ‘baby’ to eachother during the course. What's wrong with calling each other honey or baby? Not a damn thing! They only get shocked once and made it to the end. Tanisha and Clive got shocked twenty five freaking times. Jenni and Roger fifteen shocks, Traci and Kevin five shocks, Gretchen and Slade only one shock the reason... according to Jim (Counselor) 'when you say honey and baby in the middle of a heated moment. Your tone still reads off frustration.' What's wrong with that??? Love what Gretchen says, 'Me and Slade have a very strong foundation. I don't believe Jim and Elizabeth. I think they’re wrong.' As most of the viewers because the are wrong. They said Gretchen had low-self esteem for choosing not to save herself in an earlier exercise. You could only choose to save three people in the house. Yet, they praised Ryan for doing the same thing? Gretchen, enyone, and I mean EVERYONE who has watched you on RHOC knows that to be untrue. Trista and Ryan got zero, and WON. Why do y'all need this then? I'm with Jenni, they are already America's Sweetheart's, go home! Clive and Tanisha are at each other's throats, they are all drama right now, and I can't with the pettiness. Elizabeth says Jenni's directions were impeccable, she really was communicating well. Must be that baby giving her brain waves LOL.
Jenni had something booked and Roger tells her ‘I'll go with you but I really want to stay.’ He goes on to say 'since I've been so invested in the program and my commitment to be in front of these camera's. Will you, in the future, give me a break from not having to do this anymore (being in the public eye)?’ This bitch says no, not just no but a hell no. She could not do it without him, she's scared and jealous, and that’s what it boils down to. Next week looks awesome guys. Till then!
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Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars airs Friday nights at 9/8c only on WE TV!