by: Joshua Pramuk
This week we are in for the mother of all scandals and right off we find out what it is. Kristen and Jax have had sex, apparently twice. Stassi tells Katie and Kristina all the details, what I want to know is did Kristen get to finish the movie 'Drive' before, during or after Jax went downtown... really gag! I mean its bad enough I have to hear about Jax's sex life. Kristina is so extra, she can go. Stassi calls Kristen the most horrible bitch on the planet, did you ever think Stassi that maybe she did this just because she thought you would never find out? She thought, I believe, that she was getting one over on you. Stassi goes on to say she wants to give Kristen a dildo dipped in acid as a present so it disintegrates her insides! Holy ish! If I'm ever on this bitches bad side someone get me a fake I.D. and a passport STAT!!
Cut to Kristen and Sandoval in their apartment. Kristen is looking for a new job because she doesn't know if she still has a job at SUR. How can this bitch be joking and laughing in Tom's face after she slept with his best friend? #ICant SUR! Here we come, Lisa is in the building people wake up! Stassi is there too! Lisa and Stassi are talking about what Jax said. “Gobsmacked”, great word Lisa. Stassi says SHE f'n hates Kristen, and I believe it because Stassi has blocked Kristen, from IG and Twitter. Katie has done the same *cough* follower *cough* Lisa basically tells Stassi, beat her ass girl. Just you and her though, it's between you two, don't gang up on her. I love you Lisa!!
Happy birthday Jax! The guys are joking about him being in jail which I think is total B.S. He was banging Kristen while he was in jail, I do believe they've had sex but I like my timetable better Hahaha! The guys congrats Shay for his recent engagement, yes Scheana and Shay congratulations! I am very happy for you both! The guys break out this t-shirt that says 'I got Jax. Ed and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' wow I wonder how many girls have that shirt? I'm sure that Kristen's is on it's way. #RushDelivery
Stassi shows up at Jax’s birthday dinner, interesting Stassi says Jax has crashed her birthday multiple times so it's her turn, you go girl! Peter and Schwartz didn't know so they are shocked. Stassi wants all details, so she can call Kristen out. Jax, says he'll be there to back her up, Schwartz tells Jax and Stassi they should go somewhere else to discuss this. At the bar Stassi says she's going to destroy Kristen. Jax seems like he likes the attention, we all know he does.
Tom Sandoval and Kristen are helping re-doing Kristen's acting reel to get her some acting work. Kristen is no Jennifer Aniston, but this bitch can take a slap. Kristen is telling Sandoval that she's done all she can do to try and make it right between her, Stassi, and Katie. She tells Sandoval that they've invited her to dinner, she thinks it's so they can hear her out. WRONG KRISTEN! Girl you are getting played more than a Taylor Swift song at a sweet sixteen.
Stassi and Katie are talking about how this is necessary. Stassi also says the reason she isn't going as hard on Jax is because it's like he struck a plea deal. She says she is done with him after this is over. Scheana!! Love her. She says Kristen, and Jax are both disgusting. What both of them have done is the ultimate betrayal and I totally agree with that. Kristen and Tom Sandoval are in the room. Stassi's plan worked, she lures Kristen into a false sense of security and wham 'and you banged my boyfriend.' Kristen seems to be taken aback but not totally shocked. Sandoval! Yes! 'I don't know because Jax has never lied before.' Tom does not believe it. I can see why, Jax is an attention whore. Katie says she can now see how he will get more attention for telling the truth. Stassi keeps saying that 'Jax is making this up to look like a piece of shit.' Stassi is going off there it goes. Stassi just slapped the shit out of Kristen! Stassi throws a drink in her face. Kristen tries to snatch Stassi by the hair but then Schwartz pushes Kristen down. Why Schwartz? As Sandoval and Kristen are leaving Jax keeps saying that Kristen is lying. Sandoval says I love how you, Jax, are such a best friend you wouldn't pull me to the side to tell me this. Even if Kristen did do this, kudos to Tom Sandoval for standing by his woman, I don't think any of those other guys with the exception of Shay would do the same P.S. I hate to think what would of happened if Kristen got a hold of Stassi. But alas it didn't happen.
So the girls are having drinks filling Ariana in on what happened. I'm so a member of the A Team. Ariana's mind is obviously blown. Hey Ariana, I've heard #Redemption feels so good. It looks like it feels fucking amazing!' Lisa and Stassi are talking, Stassi tells Lisa she back handed Kristen, Lisa does not condone violence... even on Kristen. Lisa says she doesn't want all of SUR against Kristen, too late Lisa. “We can't turn back time” Lisa tells Stassi, she doesn't have the power to make Kristen stop. Lisa says 'don't get mad, get even, go shag Tom.' Cut to Kristen and Tom. Kristen is adamant that she didn't bang Jax, and Tom believes her. The only thing that is throwing him off is Jax usually tells lies to make himself look better. I will say this whole Jax smells horrible thing, is making me wanna puke.
Jax walks up to Lisa. Lisa, is going off on Jax, I like this side of Lisa so much. 'Oh I've murdered my grandmother but it is okay because I've admitted it' Jax you need to think where you bury that penis of yours from now on. Katie, Stassi, and Kristina are tanning well Katie and Stassi. This pale ass wannabe isn't. Schwartz invites Sandoval to the beach. The girls say if Kristen comes with him they are leaving.
Beach time!!!! Everyone is talking about Kristen, about why she was crucified and Jax hasn't been. He keeps saying he told everyone so he should be okay. He says he feels no remorse. Scheana, I'm in total agreement. On what planet, in what universe is it okay to sleep with your best friend's girl and not feel sorry?? I've said it before. Jax is one sorry ass human. He disgusts me! How could ANYONE want that after where he's been ugh.
Sandoval has actually shown up at the beach alone. I’m floored. Sandoval, you obviously don't trust her enough. Sandoval is telling Jax what did I ever do to you too deserve this. Jax's answer is you cheated on her, what's the difference? I can't take this bullshit from Jax, I hope Sandoval kicks his ass back to Miaminext week. That would mean the world to me! Next week is the season finale! #GearUp4PumpRules
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Vanderpump Rules airs Monday nights at 9/8c only on Bravo!
Photo Credit: Bravo
