by: Seth RileyFor my tens of readers, I would like to apologize for not recapping the weave ripping madness that I know you all witnessed. I will only mention one scene, an obscure one: Nicole holds her horror in very well, though Dina readily admits her cat is "scrotumesque." Finally, a prediction: That chunk of Amber's weave went back in Jim's pocket as evidence or, at the very least, as surprise at the reunion.
In this episode, we open with the First Responders party in shambles. Jim Marchese leans into Joey G.'s ear and says "Dumb F**k." Not wise for a man afraid of a fight, at least the kind men have, but I will get to that. Jim runs outside and Joe follows, "spitting" on Jim as he yelled and invading Jim's personal space. Frankly, Jim thought he has about to get whooped. Juicy is safely in the kitchen, keeping a wide berth, with some female supports. Despite her own problems, Tre goes to help calm her brother.
Because this is how life works, the Marcheses forgot their keys and have to go back in. While Nicole runs through the events, explaining that these are people she has to see the post office and Dunkin Donuts (Don't worry, girl, you looked hot fighting!), Melissa, Tre and Dina have congregated at the top of the stairs. Up comes Jim and this cannot go well. Tre asks what Jim's issue is with Juicy. Jim doesn't want things to go in a bad direction. When the girls ask what the hell Jim is talking about, he replies: I want you to think about this (aside: had he asked Season1-4 Tre to "consider this" or "pay attention," she would have levitated).
What Tre is to consider, according to Jimmy, is: "What is Joe being prosecuted for? Mortgage bank fraud. What do I do? I prosecute bank fraud." While pretending he is doing the Giudices a favor, he follows with: "Jesus Christ? Do any of you have an IQ of over 12." Dina is about to lose it, saying they are simply trying to understand and that he insults them and has right to talk to women the way he just has.
Although we all hear it, Jim's talking head deserves a reading or two:
"I don't fight. I this it's stupid. I'm trained as an attorney. If I want to hurt you, I'm going to sue you. I'm gonna leverage your house, I'm gonna give you three years in hell in a courtroom, I'm gonna bleed you dry financially and I am going to humiliate you for eight hours while I depose you and make you my bitch." These words rolled off of Jim's tongue and gave me mad respect for Joey Gorga, where a good old fashioned fight settled things. I do not condone violence, but I would way prefer the ass kicking.
Meanwhile, Dina is going on a not so blind date for the party, Matt? Matt is sexy in a Jersey Man way of sexy. Muscled, manicured, groomed. He's a looker and younger than Dina. However, Dina arrives first. Matt is 10 minutes late and she orders a giant hot chocolate Sunday. Then she calls Tre. By the time Matt arrives 30 minutes late, Dina's fries have just arrived. He used the "I got a flat tire" excuse and I wanted to tell Dina, "Quick girl, check his hands!" Matt orders nothing but a coffee. The chemistry is lacking yet he asks her about her divorce. He gets a terrified look when she says she is still living with her husband but separated. Naturally, he follows by saying he just started hot yoga and Dina should try it with him. We see her talking head where she says, "He was charming and very sweet, but I don't know if he was all that smart."
Soon after, Lexi and Dina go to get matching heart tattoos. This totally took me back to RHOBH when Kim and Kimberly got butterflies--but I like these girls better so I forgive. When Dina describes Matt to Lexi, Lexi says," Please don't like a younger guy and listen to rep music and all those things." I love their relationship.
Over at the Guidice Homestead, Juicy has surprised the family with a coop of chickens. We learn that his dad had chicken in upstate Ney York but she preferred them to stay in upstate New York. Can't blame her on that one. There's one rooster and no one but Milania has any interest in stepping inside the chicken coop. Tre says that Joe is a wonderful father (I think so) and that people can't see it, just stay away. In a great scene, Juicy has to carry Tre out of the coop so he didn't step in chicken poop (though it could have made a nice facial later).
Sadly, while Tre and Juicy got the chickens for the girls to have some joy, the longsuffering Gia was the one who found two chickens killed by the dog...and no, not that dog from Christmas. Poor Gia has so much promise. I want to turn the camera off and help because she has too much on her shoulders for her age. Tre was right in that they have to learn about loss too, but I hate seeing Gia cry. This did mean that Milania, Juicy and Rosie headed out for a couple new chickens. Milania is specifically shopping for a "hairless butt chicken. While they do not find that exact chicken, they find two new acceptable chickens to bring home.
In a truly sweet moment, which I believe to also be genuine, Rosie offered her total support to Juicy at the right time and at the right place. They were alone, as Milania attempted to play with other farm animals, though she and the animals were skittish. Rosie adds, "These animals were frightened. They've never seen Milania in action before. Word.
Back at Amber and Jim's, the dog has just farted, and Amber and Jim briefly discuss the blowup at the party. "I should've used discernment and walked away." I agree with her, though I'm not sure getting away was an option. Right on cue, in comes Bobby. Amber is going to make him a "Hottie Tottie" and I wonder if it's the same as just a "hot" toddy. Bobby says that Amber is like a sister to him and that he and Jim have been tight for years. He wants this cleared up. Then Jim starts with, "I can't wait til you're done with Nicole....you make fun of her....you have fun of her makeup." Bobby leaves right then and I gotta say I think Jim and Amber were hurt, but they gave Bobby NOTHING to hold out hope for. For the first time this season, I swear I saw cring WITH tears.
In one aside, we have Nicole and Bobby going to the shooting range to blow off steam. Don't knock it til you've tried it! First Nicole, shoots the target's ear off. Once Bobby gives her some coaching, she hits a bulls eye....while wearing sky high stiletto heels. It's a nice scene because Bobby is Happy with Nicole and Nicole is happy he took her side. I feel Bobby is a good man and he's going to do right by her. He had better!
Somewhere in all the craziness, Amber, and Teresa meet for facials. Nightingale poop facials, though they not aware it was nightingale feces until it luxuriously dried on. Amber get the conversation going by apologizing for Jim's words. Tre shuts that down by saying that is it private and it is off limits. The Deena chimes in with, "Where are you at with Melissa?" Please take note: THIS IS WHEN AMBER OWNS HER PART. Deena chimes in, "I think she's very passive aggressive and then walks away with a half smirk on her face." I wouldn't be shocked if Dina's had James Van Praagh check in on Melissa. Even Tre jumps in the fray by saying that Melissa and Joe were engaged, they were tight. Once the marriage took place, Mel got cold. But Tre is quick to add that they are one big happy family now. In a good play, Tre tells Amber to meet Melisa and hash it out, like Mel and Tre die. It only took three seasons, but what the hell?
In my third favorite talking head of the episode, Amber says to the camera, "Jesus even forgive the worst martyrs in the world, and if Jesus can do it, I can certainly do it." On that note, I would like a water cooler of merlot and a baby Basset that lives forever and stays tiny. Just when you get to it.
And here goes nothing when Melissa and Amber meet for that coffee. By the time they are seated, barbs are being thrown. Melissa jumps in with, "I haven't shown that I'm a liar, you have." Side Note: ONCE MORE WEE SEE SMBER TELL MELISSA THAT SHE HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE Melissa responds, "I'm looking at you and I don't trust you." Amber tops that with, "I don't know what happened to you in 8 years, but you're a TAINTED woman." At this point Melissa proposes a sit down for all the ladies. Given than Melissa refuses to own anything, Amber grabs her bag and shuts that idea down. I'm gonna say, I LOVE the TWINS and I feel this drama is the work of Melissa Gorga. What do you think? Sound off in the comments below!
Until next week, I'll be shopping for a hairless butt chicken and still waiting on my number to get called to hang with Joey G. XOXO
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