by: Joshua Pramuk
So this week the title of the episode is 'Sherlock Stassi' scorned women can be the psychotic stalker like people. I see her digging until she finds the truth. The episode starts where we left off last week, Stassi is telling Kristen about the bombshell Katie dropped. Like I said last week Kristen and Jax is totally unbelievable Stassi. Katie says it is a rumor, Kristen not going ape shit about the rumor most likely means she didn't bang your x Stassi. BTW Kristen just swore on her family she didn't do it. I for one believe her.
Stassi tells Kristina once they go inside for drinks... is this whole cast in immediate attention of AA classes? Stassi says she 98% believing the rumor. I think she just wants a reason to cut Kristen out of her life personally. I would need a f**ken drink as well if my best friend believed a rumor like that. Stassi says she doesn't want to be around Kristen, but is going to be friendly to her face. Isn't that just like an evil overtly privileged 'Swedish princess'? Now we are at SUR. Lisa is checking on consumers looking amazing. She's reading online reviews. Ohhh I want know who the bitch was since the reviewer didn't leave a name. It was either Kristina, Katie, Stassi or Kristen. I don't think Ariana worked there yet, and Scheana is way nice to customers. Sooo Lisa is bringing in a secret diner! That's going to end up good. The customer is always right I know that to be true.Kristen girl you can play guitar! That was nice. Sandoval is like Stassi believed that sh*t? I can't believe it either Sandoval, I believe you when you say Katie gets creative when she's been drinking. Sandoval asks Kristen now she knows how he felt because of when confronted Ariana about sleeping with Tom even though he told her it wasn't true. It's good to see you stand by your woman Sandoval.
Stassi and Peter are going to brunch. Katie and Tom Schwartz are there as well. DAMN it Schwartz keep doing what doing because I personally would like a piece of Schwartz Pie. Jax is walking in and Stassi invited him just so she could get him drunk and try to get him to say he slept with Kristen. Stassi who do you wanna be when you grow up? Nancy Drew or Miss Marple? Everyone is getting messed up. It's like the super bowl of brunches. Jax is so drunk really everyone is getting tore up. Stassi takes Kristina into a room and admits to her she's struggling with the Jax/Kristen rumor, she knows Jax would do that to her, yes honey we know, with strippers, porn stars, ballerinas, and probably even his mail lady. Yet, she doesn't believe Kristen would do that to her. Kristen can be a bitch but she seems like the type of person that would be faithful. Hey, don't judge a book by the cover. Kristina is totally throwing Kristen under the bus calling Kristen conniving. Girl, look in the mirror and point the finger at yourself. Here's the thing Kristina you are a total b*tch and you seem evil NOT smart.
Jax is dancing on a bar with his shirt off at brunch. Hmmmm brunch is the most fun time to munch, or in this case get drunk. Lisa is interviewing a world class chef. No surprise there Lisa you always look like you just roll out of bed flawless. Lisa is hiring the woman to be the secret diner. Lisa wants her to act like a disgruntled costumer. I'm going TO LOVE THIS. Lisa says their mouths are always moving instead of their bodies. TRUTH. Lisa cares about the way the staff treats regular costumers. I applaud that because one day I will be eating at SUR.
Back to brunch and Stassi straight up asks Jax if he f**ked Kristen. He says no but that doesn't hold any meaning with me because he is a known liar. Its hilarious, Jax says that these women are attacking because they are not having sex. I've said it before Stassi needs to get laid. Now this Kristina bitch, she needs to go jump in lake Michigan and never come out. She could be the Locke Ness Monster. I mean SHE IS. Comical break I need a beer. This episode has me stressed.
Okay I'm back with Brooklyn Lager in hand and we are back at SUR. Lisa is chatting with Stassi, Stassi tells Lisa about Kristen and Jax. Lisa tells us she's heard it before! Hold the phone. This is a side to Stassi I'm liking. She doesn't know what to believe and Queen Lisa gives the best advice 'she's your best friend, let it go.' Stassi, if you and Kristen have been best friends for four years like you say I DON'T see her sleeping with Jax, but Lisa saying she herd the rumor was a totes WTF moment. Mind blown. Beer in hand.
Melina is coming in who's going to mess this up for SUR. So Scheana is having a hard time working with The Orange Haired Nightmare and I can't blame her. She's venting to Sandoval while she's suppose to be serving Melina. GET YOUR ASS ON THE FLOOR SCHEANA. I don't want anything bad to happen to you because you f'n rock. Scheana is getting Melina drinks. OMFG you didn't just say if that one's too spicy I'll drink it and bring you another one hahaha, I'm literally laughing my head off. Scheana why? Why girl? Melina stops Katie, and asks for the corn fritters, but Katie goes straight to Sandoval and Scheana to apologize for ALL the hateful ugly things she's said INSTEAD OF PUTTING IN THE ORDER. OMG. Scheana tells her you should apologize because you were a hateful monster and your hair doesn't help the situation any. Melina and her friend are going from the bar to the restaurant.
As soon as she walk in the restaurant you see Jax texting on his phone. All of these people think they don't have to work when the boss is out. Wrong... I can't wait till Lisa hears about it. Stassi is Melina's server. She goes straight up to Jax and says 'I know you're lying and you banged her' right in front of Melina. I can't stop shaking my head and laughing at the same time. BTW guys Stassi recommends the crispy chicken. The lady dining with Melina says her jalapeno margarita taste like a regular margarita and Stassi straight up says that's because Jax made it. How do you mess up a jalapeno margarita? I shouldn't be surprised I mean look at his love life.
The women order their food, and then Stassi puts in the order but Scheana walks over and ask Stassi to talk. This is a hot mess! Scheana tells Stassi she doesn't appreciate that Stassi didn't stand up for her while Katie talked trash. Bravo! A real friend would have your back no matter what. That just shows you Scheana, Stassi is as fake as her waxed vag. Stassi says she's sorry. Scheana says she thinks Kristen did sleep with Jax because she doesn't think Kristen is the best friend. That may be true Scheana, but she seems loyal to the core. Scheana says she'll always be there for Stassi. Gag me please.
Melina says the service at the restaurant is way better than the service at the lounge. Poor Scheana. Katie now walks over from the lounge to apologize to Jax, but really lesbehonest how long before she gets drunk and acts like trash again? Jax says let's just forget about it. He's good about forgiving and forgetting. Probably because he's not a girl, Melina decides the drinks were better at the lounge, all the food was good, but the corn fritters at the lounge took to long. Too much running of the mouth just like Lisa said.
Lisa is in the building and Scheana is caught under fire. Scheana apologizes because she was annoyed that she was working with Katie she promises to do better, Scheana says LeBron has an off night every once in awhile so does she :-) love it. Next on her list Jax, Lisa is bloody pissed about him being on the phone, and Lisa ends up saying she wouldn't put it past Jax to give it to Kristen!! In her words 'it's hard to objective' OMG I think Lisa knows it is true! She just insinuated that it's true. It just keeps coming! Katie, is telling Stassi that she doesn't really want to lose Kristen as friend but if it turns out to be true she's going to stop being friend with Kristen. Why though because Kristen didn't sleep with Schwartz, but I'd hit it Katie FYI.
Stassi's crazy ass drives over and tells Kristen to give Stassi her phone because Stassi's bright idea is to text Jax from Kristen's . Actually it's a good idea a little psycho but do you expect anything less? Kristen says she has nothing to hide. Tells Stassi to take her phone. Scheana decides she wants a princess cut diamond in a halo setting, but she is a perfectionist about her ring! Congrats Scheana and Shay!!! Stassi is waiting for Jax's text and when she gets the confirmation that Kristen didn't bang Jax! Yay! I knew she wouldn't do it! Called that, and Stassi you should of trusted your best friend. I would have. Next week looks amazing! Ariana will be back bitches and so will I.
Follow Joshua on Twitter: Follow @jponfire28
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday nights at 9/8c only on Bravo!
Photo Credit: Bravo
