by: Seth Riley
So last night's episode picks up right where we left off, at "LuAnn's Rental" in Saratoga with a drunken Sonja displaying her mean drunk/fast packer traits. Sonja announces she is leaving for the Hamptons because she is not appreciated. The other ladies wait inside, knowing that Sonja wants attention and refusing to give it to her, as Sonja drunkenly struggles to make it to the waiting car. Once there, she tries her argument on the confused driver, telling him, "I stayed in the paddock!" He returns the comment with a blank stare. Next she hands him her purse but keeps her phone, telling him she should keep it in case she gets a booty call. I hope he was payed well. Without the others responding, Sonja goes back inside where she seems to have forgotten the fight. Gotta agree with Carole on this one. Sonja may just be tri/quad polar, but fun Sonja is back and she touches up her drunk and hits the bars with the girls--after she clears out the kitchen with a fart. #KeepingItClassy. Once at the bar, Sonja reminds us all that her tagline is no joke by flashing the entire crowd her lady bits...repeatedly...and displaying such hip dance moves as the "air guitar."
Jump to the city where Ramona has stayed behind to spend time with Avery because, well, AVERY! They are joined by a driving instructor because Ramona wants Avery to be ready for all aspects of life, including driving in the City. While I think this scene is designed to make us believe that Ramona is not a complete monster because she didn't eat her young, I'm still not convinced. What is interesting is that every chance Avery gets, she reminds Ramona that she clearly prefers Mario.
Now all the ladies, Ramona included, are attending LuAnn's ladies luncheon for a cancer charity. There is a mystery guest and from the shoulders and hair, this is no mystery. It's Kelly Bensimon. Unfortunately Kelly was not on hand long enough to break out her satchels of crazy, but she did make a great impression on Carole by going all fangirl. For the first time ever I agree with Ramona when she says, "Special guest? What's so special about Kelly?" The real drama of the luncheon begins when Miss USA 2012 shows up and Aviva says that, just days before, Papa George and Cody had a threesome with her. Aviva forwards the text from George to Heather, urging her to to look at the message at the table full of women, while the main speech is being given no less. Nice. Heather's phone is then passed around for all to see and LuAnn is none to pleased. Next, in true Ramona fashion, she confronts Miss USA at the luncheon to clarify this threesome revelation. Whatever her intentions were, the act was ALL wrong. By walking up to this woman and her friends, Ramona dragged this girl farther into this pool of ick. And in the highly unlikely chance she did have a threesome with George and Cody, do you think she would admit it at a table full of people with cameras in her face? Ms. Singer, you may have etiquette on the tennis court, but that is where it ends.
Flash forward to Kristen, arriving at Ms. Morgan's pad for a morning facial. Kristen is met at the door by Sonja's trusty assistant Pickles (that poor girl). Heather starts quizzing Pickles about why Sonja is not there and if she came home last night. Pickles is not comfortable but Kristen seems delighted at stumbling upon this little indiscretion. "It's New York City! Sonja could be in a ditch somewhere!" I seriously doubt Sonja is in a ditch, unless she has found a way to hump ditches. As Kristen "frantically" tries to reach Sonja, Sonja creeps in the front door after making her walk of shame--er, her "victory lap." As much as I love Sonja, I immediately picture a barely legal young man blocks away, sitting in his shower and rocking himself, trying to get to his safe place. Once Sonja creeps in in a man's cap and tee, changes into a robe, and flashes the cameraman again, she joins Kristen for a facial on the balcony.
This is when it gets interesting. Kimiko, the facialist, is clearly lobbying for a facialist based spin off because she OWNS this scene. She tells the ladies that clients talk and she has no problem repeating! First topic: the Countess. Word is LuAnn likes short, thick French men that she can dominate in bed because she likes to be in charge. Oh, and she's a serial cheater. Then Carole: Kimiko calls out Sonja for continuing to see LuAnn's pirate, hooking up with a man around the block and "accidentally" stealing Russ from Carole while the two were still together! Most surprisingly, Sonja doesn't deny but rather looks like the cat that ate the canary. Kristen can't wait to get word back to Carole and LuAnn. Laughing hysterically, Kristen recounts Kimiko's revelations, first to LuAnn, who becomes so incensed that immediately I know it's true. Carole, on the other hand, isn't hearing it and chalks it up to Sonja's need for attention. Side note: Sonja writes in her blog that Carole made an appointment with Kimiko to get to the bottom it. After last week's engaging with the drunken Sonja and this week's facial tell all, I am beginning to see Kristen stirring things up. I have been onboard with Kristen from day one. However, if she is going to meddle, it should be intercut with scenes of her and Josh so I can sympathize and remain Team Kristen.
Finally, Aviva decides to throw an art party. Her interior decorator is there, as is art dealer Kipton Kronkite. Kristen doesn't get the concept, but I like it. Kronkite is on hand to describe the art and tell the ladies its significance. The ladies are dressed to the nines, especially Kristen and Sonya, who walks in wearing a backless number that is flashing her top half for a change. Although she looks lovely, for some reason my mind goes to Donnie and Marie Barbies. Either they were made in the same year as this outfit or it is really expensive and I'm missing the point. The front does look like a living room chair cover, but it's all good because Sonja is rocking it. This party concept is part of why I feel Aviva, in her crazy way, represents New York. She has the art, the to-die-for home (in my opinion) and she works the look of a '50s housewife like no one else. With her clothes and makeup, she conveys traditional housewife...like June Cleaver on acid. She looks like she would put on an apron, cook a big family meal in pearls and then look you in the eye and tell you to STFU. I know this is not a popular opinion, but that is my kind of housewife. I will even confess this: I live for her yellow wallpaper. Getting back on track, Aviva has decided to feature LuAnn's daughter's impressive piece among other artists showcased in her home. How generous! Or is it?
As the party is winding down, LuAnn, who is great this season, decides that since Aviva "ruined" her luncheon, the best place to address this is at Aviva's party. LuAnn accuses Aviva of inviting Miss USA to her luncheon because LuAnn did not. Aviva emphatically denies this and, later, she posted proof that LuAnn's partner in the luncheon did so. The "proof" is an instagram post that leaves the truth a bit hazy. However, LuAnn is not letting it go. She is furious that Aviva has allegedly staged this Miss USA moment and made her ladies' luncheon a raunchfest. Now the timing of the text reading was rude but, Countess, we happened to see you in St. Bart's, so you can stop clutching your pearls.
Meanwhile, the other ladies are standing across the room listening to every word. After a rather quiet episode for Heather, whom I love, she busts out the line of the night. While observing Aviva's fighting, she says, "She gets so angry. It's like, woah, don't eat me!" This is going downhill fast and in a move I love, mid-argument, Aviva throws Lu off by tossing in, "By the way, I still haven't gotten my dress," purchased at the charity luncheon, reminding her that at least Aviva donated. When LuAnn keeps harping on George's filthy ways being part of her lunch, Aviva drops the following bomb: "Your daughter is making art about sex." Bam! LuAnn brings Heather into the fray and this is going nowhere fast. No one is budging and Aviva is in yet another feud.
In a move that is sure to lose many if I haven't already, I must say this. Do I think Aviva invited Miss USA? (Shrugs shoulders) Did production? (shrugs shoulders) The Miss USA coincidence is one of those happy coincidences that pepper the Housewives franchise. If Aviva invited her, doesn't that just mean she's helping make production's job easier. I have said since day one, Aviva is WORKING for that Bravo coin. Whereas I love Carole, think she's a brilliant writer and probably a great friend, I get the feeling from her that she knows she's slumming it to promote her work. She's a reluctant participant. Ramona wants it done on her terms. Aviva is ready to get in the trenches to bring the drama, and you might hate her, but you can't say she isn't doing her job.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed my first recap. Will do my best to keep it fun--I swear on my good leg.
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