by: Seth RileyWelcome back to New Jersey. This episode opens with Melissa and Joe Gorga driving to see Joe's new business venture, which he has not told Melissa about until now. They are driving to see their new "garbage truck." Melissa seems disgusted, and I don't blame her. Your partner should never unilaterally decide that you are now in the waste and sanitation business. However, upon arrival, Melissa is slightly relieved to see that the "garbage truck" does not appear to be a garbage truck at all. It is a massive, electric blue truck. Joe reveals to her that it is actually for driving around and "disintegrating legal documents." Melissa is relieved, saying she thought they would "drive around and pick up garbage peels and wrappers." Joe informs her that he has invested "millions." Hold up. Millions? Maybe in Monopoly money or Chuck E. Cheese tickets. Tens or hundreds of thousands? More likely. I think that Joe Gorga knows he will have plenty of customers, but it seems that the RHONJ cast have had no trouble shredding legal documents on their own. Just saying.
Over at Amber and Jim's the family is sitting around the dinner table, where Jim is saying how important manners are. Meanwhile, Isabella is picking her nose. Jim announces to the family that his company is going to film another commercial with the family starring. Amber has perfected the "Mortgage Now hair flip," which we are shown from a series of previous commercials. Later, during commercial rehearsal, Isabella announces that she wants to take over the hair flip, and I gotta say, she kills it. Amber announces that Isabella is her mini-me. Did you hear that, ladies. Watch out because there are two of them.
At the Giudice house, Teresa is preparing a tasting party for her new product line, "Fabulicious Desserts." Somewhere, Kathy Wakile is steaming and hiding the rest of the family recipes. Teresa is all dressed up and has a photographer there to shoot promotional pictures. Milania is acting the fool as always. She is cracking me up, and Teresa laughs at her too, though I feel for the photographer. Milania tells him, "You're a butthole. That's your new name. Butthole." I feel for him because, as he is not family, he cannot scream or pinch her. She even takes his camera from him at one point and we see a series of shots depicting him trying to get his camera back. I thoroughly enjoy Milania...through the distance of my television set.
Amber and Melissa head to Teresa's together. During the drive, Amber mentions how the twins, Teresa and Nicole, are getting on her nerves ever since the harvest party. Melissa asks more about them, inquiring whether or not Nicole's divorce is final. Amber says that Nicole's divorce has been complete for years, then adds, "There was some sort of cheating going on....It was Nicole who broke up a family." While this is setting in, the girls arrive at Teresa's for the party, along with Dina and Tre's mother and mother-in-law. Tre wants the ladies to be blindfolded and tell her what first comes to mind when tasting each dessert. Melissa says in her talking head, "I'm not gonna lie. I'm a big fan of being blindfolded and having things stuck in my mouth." This makes me chuckle, though I seriously doubt she would have said it last season, when her tagline was the defensive, "Sexy life, loyal wife. Take a page from MY book." During the blind taste testing, Dina is fed cheesecake, which she immediately recognizes, declaring that she cannot eat dairy. Oops.
Amber is happy to be included. She had Teresa at her party and now Teresa is returning the favor, which Amber appreciates. Amber starts her awkward moment by apologizing to Teresa if she was offended by anyone at her party. If you recall, every head turned and the Red Sea parted when Tre and Dina arrived. It was icy to say the least. Amber then leads into what Tre and Juicy are going through with their family and Amber cries, which makes Tre cry in front of Audriana. Tre is steely though and pulls it together, then Amber relates the incident to "the" cancer. As if Dina's "resting bitchface" (her words) didn't say it all, Dina tells the cameras, "It almost gets on my nerves when someone new comes along and tries to get all emotional about what she's (Tre) going through." Almost, Dina? All composure, Tre gives me my second favorite line of the night when she asks Amber, "Are you okay now?"
Since Nicole and Teresa A. were unable to attend the dessert party, they invite Tre and Juicy to dinner at Angelo's, along with Rino and Bobby. I love that Rino's family is depicted in a mural on the wall, where a young Rino sports a full head of hair. Bobby is a good looking guy, but I cannot figure out his jacket. It looks like Jack Skelton from Nightmare Before Christmas should be wearing it, with the seams on the outside. Meanwhile, Nicole is asked about the length/status of their relationship. She tells the camera, "I'm so sick and tired of people asking me where my relationship is at and trying to marry me off." Immediately, we see Bobby putting on his own lobster bib and ignoring her. For a brief moment, Nicole looks like she wants to shove that shoe wine bottle holder right up his bibbed ass. Teresa and Joe seem to really enjoy themselves and the group is very supportive of them. After dinner, Bobby says, quite prematurely, that he and "Jimmy" want to have a guys night out and invite Rino and Joe.
Later, Amber and Melissa meet for dinner. The two are catching up and discussing what they have been up to. Melissa's music comes up and Amber busts out singing "On Display." Amber then tells Melissa she has been acting...in commercials. Please hold on while I check IMDB for Amber's filmography. I'm back...it just said "Mortgage Now." Amber then asks Melissa if, in the event of something like, oh, I don't know, CANCER, she would rather be singing or with her family. She acknowledges that it may be dramatic and Melissa looks pissed. She just wants to know where their friendship is now. Amber wants to move forward, but first she adds, "I just kina wrote you off as a cold hearted bitch." Well, that sounds like progress.
Back at the Marchese place, while Amber is out, Bobby has come over to hang with Jimmy and the kids. In a great scene, we see Bobby feeding Amber's kids McDonald's and making them milkshakes. He appears as excited as the kids are that he's breaking her rules, and Jim lets it slide. After the kids leave the room, Bobby tells Jim about guys night. Regarding the two Joes, Jim says, "You know they brawl like every five minutes, right?" Bobby says he thinks they are over that stage. Jim then has to break it down. "....I am a mortgage banker...Joe has been indicted for mortgage fraud. I can't be in the same room with them." Not sure how Jimmy thought this was going to work when he and Amber signed up for the show, but alrighty.
Next we see Dina, taking her adorable 2-legged dog to see Lexi at work. Lexi has received an email from NYU regarding her application and Dina has come so they can read it together. Lexi did not get in. She feels that this means she is not good enough, and Dina tries to convince her otherwise. Dina then hands her a gift that she bought, regardless of whether Lexi got in or not. She hands Lexi a Bulgari bag and Lexi opens an awesome snake bracelet in red and green, for growth and change. Dina will wear a matching one. Dina is a great mother and adores Lexi, and she has great taste.
Over at the bowling alley, guys night is happening. Rino, both Joes, Bobby, Rich and Rosie are all there, minus Jimmy. Rino immediately likes Rosie, saying, "Rosie's my chick." The elephant in the alley is Jim's absence, and Bobby tries to soften the blow by telling them Jim does not want to be around people who fight. Joe Gorga immediately knows there is more to it, though Juicy stays quiet. In his talking head, Joey G. says, "I'm a little offended because I'm a straight up good, clean cut guy. You would want to hang out with me. It's an honor. You gotta pull a number to hang out with me." I love him. I'd pull a number. At the end of bowling, Bobby asks everyone to a First Responders party he is having soon...involving costumes.
Finally, we are at the best moment of the episode: James Van Praagh. For those of you who don't know, he is a world famous psychic, author and television personality...and he is fabulous. Next to the dearly departed Sylvia Browne, James is my favorite. He and Dina are friends, which makes me jealous. He has come over to visit her while on a promotional tour and he immediately picks up that Dina is in a "full transitional period." He assures Dina that, although within a year or two she will have moved, Lexi will be just fine, as will Dina. Dina is eager for James to meet Tre, who is on her way over. Dina asks James if he knows who Tre is and he asks, "The famous cookbook author?" He would have to be psychic to pick that out of all of the ways to recognize Teresa. Well played, Mr. Van Praagh. Well played. Teresa arrives and James squeals. He must be a huge cookbook fan. Tre immediately tells him his fly is open. Don't piss off the psycic, Tre. He sees things.
James tells Tre she will be moving. She is not planning on moving, so this is unsettling. Then he asks if Joe's father has passed over. No, she tells him, but we know that Joe's father died very soon after, and very suddenly. This adds quite a bit of gravity to how we see the rest of the reading. He tells Teresa that she will be fine, but "your husband I'm not so sure about." He adds that Joe carries a lot on his shoulders and things are going to be terribly hard for Joe. Teresa starts to crack but hold it together, telling James that she just tries not to think about it. Just in time to change the subject, Botox, one of Dina's hairless cats, jumps on the table. Studying his wrinkles, Teresa asks, "What's that thing hanging?" It is his penis, Dina informs her.
Suddenly James Van Praagh, world famous celebrity psychic, is utterly transfixed. In the line of the night (or likely the season for me), James Van Praagh says, "I've never seen a cat penis. I find this fascinating. A cat penis! Are you sure that's his penis? It looks like his scrotum." Umm, take a picture, sir. This moment will now be the first thing I think of when I see or hear of James Van Praagh, and I am cool with that. I have seen a cat penis, unfortunately, but I have never seen a grown man so gleefully observe a cat penis.
Since not every scene can be the joy that comes from combining James Van Praagh and cat genitals, we cut to Melissa, Nicole and Teresa A. shopping. Teresa says tells Melissa her understanding of Jimmy's absence. According to her, Jim is scared to be around Juicy and Joey G. because they like to fight. Oh yeah, and because he can't be seen with Juicy and Tre because of fraud. Melissa sees red and loses it, saying Amber needs to check him and check him fast. Nicole then pipes in, saying, "I don't know why she wanted to come back into your life after the way she talked about you." And that is all it took for Melissa to throw her cards on the table. In a slightly comical way, as if she were not totally enjoying this, she tells Nicole, "I don't know if this is a private thing in your life....she mentioned lately about you that maybe you had, um, wrecked a family or, like, you took a husband away from his wife or something." With that, naturally, Nicole freaks the hell out, with Teresa right there with her. The twins are so pissed that they immediately start to leave, with Teresa still wearing clothes she is trying on. They shout an explanation to a puzzled cashier that they are not stealing the clothes, they will be back and Teresa's own clothes are still there and they leave Melissa in the dust.
The twins are headed straight to the source: Amber. First though, Teresa, who is driving, makes a pit stop for $10 regular gas to get them to that source. It is all very hurried and clandestine and I love them. I want a twin to have my back and act up with me. When they arrive at Amber's house, they see Isabella in the window. They both recognize immediately that this is not the time, much to their credit. Teresa says, "We're not gonna do this right now." However, they hatch a plan to do this at the First Responders party, where the people Amber told will all be there. Nicole says that Amber will then have to apologize and say that she lied about Nicole to each and every one of them. Nicole, don't hold your breath on that apology...I saw previews.
Next week, we are treated to the filming of a Mortgage Now Hair Flip, a costume party with hair pulling, Dina getting asked on a date by a sex panther and, last but not least, Jimmy calling Joey G. a "dumb f_ck." Until then, I will be reading a James Van Praagh book to my cat while waiting for my number to be called to hang with Joe Gorga. Thanks for reading!
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