by: Seth Riley
So in this episode, Aviva throws sanity to the wind and throws her freaking leg across the room at Le Cirque. It's epic and...oh yeah, other stuff happpened. Hope I didn't spoil it for you with that leg thing. Guess I need to start at the beginning.
After the previous episode wrapped up with what appeared to be Harry and LuAnn leaving in a taxi together, ditching Sonja, this episode picks up with Sonja on the morning after. Sonja claims that she was running after Harry and LuAnn and twised her ankle and leg, and she has her chief interns, Tyler and Pickles (nee Naomi), putting her back together. Tyler is elevating the foot when Sonja freaks out because the dishtowels on her foot are not aesthetically pleasing. Kristen and Ramona show up to comfort her and she relates her version of the night's events. Ramona, speaking of LuAnn, says, "F_ck her," and calles her a "Sh_t head." Nice. Worse though, Sonja accuses LuAnn of the worst crime a housewife can commit: "She's not a girls' girl." As Carole has pointed out, this sin is even worse than being a bad hostess. Personally, I do not believe Sonja is a girls' girl, and I say that in my Yolanda Foster voice only, forever. After the ladies leave, Sonja screams to Pickles to bring her crutch, while she literally makes her way down the stairs butt cheek by butt cheek, holding her new puppy.
Sonja is planning a party for Team Sonja at Le Cirque. Team Sonja includes dog groomers, accupuncturists, and even the facialist. However, the first order of business is calling out LuAnn, who is on her way over. Sonja says she has always been a great and supportive friend to LuAnn, and I call BS. Everyone who saw last week's episode should call BS because we all witnessed Sonja go crazy because LuAnn hadn't shared her breakup with Sonja first, knowing Sonja was jealous of her. As soon as LuAnn arrives, Sonja sits her down and tells her that she was told "Lu just jumped in a cab with Harry," after she supposedly proclaimed, "I'm single now." LuAnn tells the truth and in her talking head says, "One thing is for sure. Harry--been there, done that. Wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole." This is one of the many reasons I love LuAnn. Sonja knows instinctively (and because she was ACTING) that LuAnn did nothing and goes to meet Harry to discuss.
Sonja bluntly says, "You left with LuAnn in a taxi." Harry mumbles a lame excuse about the girls telling him to not let Lu leave alone. You see, the problem is that Carole, Heather, and LuAnne, via blogs, twitter, and appearances on WWHL, all exposed the real story. Harry jumped into a cab with LuAnn AND Heather to go dancing. Sonja didn't want to go to the club so, instead of chasing a taxi, Sonja was DRUNK and tripped on her dress. Sonja and Harry are clearly lobbying to start a Bravo acting troupe, and sadly Harry has no problem playing the cad. Sonja gives the promise-to-eventually-make-you-a-promis- ring back and says, "That was the end of Harry & Sonja." The truth is that was the end to a relationship that is more of a friendship with benefits and it's not cool when the fakery is this obvious. Team Sonja is a motley crew, but alas, I am not on it.
Jump to Kristen and Josh. Kristen arrives home to find Josh and his business partner, John, discussing model casting for eBoost. Did I mention that he is wearing a polo shirt? Don't worry though because he is wearing a glaring, orange eBoost hat. Not only is model casting being discussed, but they are talking about going with someone around 25 years old. You know, someone "vital." Kristen is not cool with this and I am proud to say she asserts herself without losing it. She says that she is a model, she still looks damn good, she takes the supplement every day and, ultimately, she is theirc ustomer. She wisely finishes with an argument of the bottom line, telling Josh that it bothers her that he would pay someone for a job she could do for free and that money could go to something else. Josh is all business, but he actually seems to listen. In her talking head, she says, "I might actually get a billboard," followed by jazz hands. Kristen, congratulations on the billboard! However, never forget that Joey Gorga did it first. #SizzleTan.
We later discover that Kristen made the cut. She is in hair and makeup and Josh, wearing an eBoost hat AND tee, strolls in, and, for the second time in the episode (and the season), he is not treating her terribly. Either therapy is working or he learned about the cameras far too late. In retrospect, it might not have been so wise to be wearing head to toe eBoost swag until this episode. Kristen is working the camera and even Josh is impressed. She has to (convincingly) fake a series of mini-orgasms. She says to the camera, "Maybe if I'm tired on a Tuesday night I know what to do now." So it is Tuesdays? If so, I bet he always shows up 45 minutes late, and Kristen wears eBoost lingerie and has to shout things out like "synergy" and “entrepreneurial."
Our first glimpse of Heather and Carole comes when Heather has invited Carole to come shopping for Love, Alex handbags. The proceeds go to a pediatric charity and Heather is getting one and she's trying to sell Carole too. Carole picks up the first one she likes and asks the damage. $9,000. Ouch. As much as they adore one another, Carole never bought the bag, but nobody's blaming her. The most touching part comes when Carole asks about Jax. We find out that, after the good news from the doctor Heather received on the beach, they went for a second opinion and the new doctor felt that the hearing loss could not be repaired. Carole wisely asks what Jax thinks and Heather says he claims his hearing isn't all that bad. At the end of the day, she has a healthy boy. Carole, in a rare moment, discusses Anthony's cancer and how, at a point, you just have to make up your own mind and decide who to put your trust in.
Soon Heather and Kristen make it over to see Carole's renovated apartment. Carole tells the cameras, "My apartment renovation cost a small fortune, but sometimes a girl needs a change." It is a major change and the best part is that she truly got rid of the kitchen! Between the animal prints, vintage pieces and chic modern flourishes (That ceiling!), the place reminds me of where Hemingway might live were he a quirky female author/journalist/NY socialite. Carole has also just received her first hardback copies of "The Widow's Guide to Sex & Dating: A Novel." Kristen asks how it feels and Carole says that it is "amazing," and she tells an awesome story of when her first book came out. She would hang out in her local bookstore and move her books to better positions. Kristen jokes, "I want to write a book. Do you know anyone who could help me out with that?" Bookgate is so old that the joke is funny again. Just then, Carole receives a text from Sonja giving her a heads up that Aviva will be at her Team Sonja party. Cut to her talking head, where Carole says, "I haven't seen Aviva in a very long time...and that's been going pretty well for me." Uh-oh. We maybe should have listened when Ramona kept drunkenly yelling, "She's a sh_t stirrer, that Kristen!" Kristen says, "...give me two glassess of Ramona and I'm going right up there and going (makes pretend claws and cat attack noises)."
In a hilarious aside, Carole and Ramona are having lunch, though I really cannot imagine why, and Ramona lets it slip that she was pursued by the one and only Fabio. And yes, as Carole asked too, we are talking about Harlequin romance cover Fabio. Fabio dodged that bullet, but he could not dodge a second one when he was on a roller coaster and a bird crashed into his face. I just cannot seem to forget that. Ramona says, though, that once she first met Mario, they had instant chemistry...that they still have. Carole jumps in with how, if you could just get husbands addicted to, um, blowies, the divorce rate would be zero percent." The truth, Carole speaks.
Finally it is time for Sonja's party, and the president of Team Sonja herself rolls in an hour late. In the meantime, her fellow housewives are forced to mingle with the actual team. LuAnn sums it up perfectly when she says to the cameras, "Sonja's been going through such hell in her personal life that I'm very happy she has a team. Now...the team is really bizarre." Carole even wonders, "I don't know what Team Sonja is, but I don't think I'm on it. Am I on it?" No Carole. No you are not. And we thank you. Sonja makes her way in and gives a speech. Well, this is a speech as much as that other thing was cabaret or burlesque. For once, I agree with Ramona, who is keeping her head on really well lately, when she says that the speech was "more like a book," and that no one understood it. Truly, it made not a damn lick of sense. What jumped out at me though, is whether a member of Team Sonja (whome she is a part of, and they are a part of her) went to SAMs Club for those pigs in a blanket, or does Le Cirque have pigs in a blanket?
Just before the speech, Aviva comes in and she is alone. I admit I am looking extra hard because we all are just waiting for the leg to come off, but I detect a sligtly unusual limp, a gaunt Aviva with a a dead set jaw and a very ANGRY look. She knew what she came to do. Sonja joins her after the speech and Sonja refers to the rest as "emotional vampires." Hello, lady who it takes a massive team of people to keep emotionally stable (questionable), are you there? Anyhoo, Aviva can't believe the other women have been talking about her. No, girl. They're just talking about how much fun they had in Montana. In her talking head, Aviva says, "I've been sick and they've been avoiding me like the plague. It's asthma, ladies. It's not contagious. And by the way, I'm feeling better. Thanks for asking." The voice she uses sends a chill down my spine and I am sure she starts unstrapping the leg right there. Once again, I am cool with Ramona. She is giving Aviva an out. All she seems to want is an apology or for Aviva to admit she doesn't want to go on trips. Sonja is fine with Aviva. There is no righting any of these wrongs with the others though and Kristen and Heather go a round with her first.
Kristen comments on Aviva's noticeable weight loss, even telling the cameras, "Aviva looks like sh_t." Apparently asthma makes you a fat mess. Kristen shouts, "This is more than asthma. And I've been trying to be your friend." Aviva counters by saying Kristen has been a "horrible person" all along and things start to get WIERD. Aviva reaches into her giant purse and proclaims that her doctors have heen lying to her, telling her she has asthma and making her take medicine! The ladies are all vexed by this until Heather points out that Aviva is trying to make a joke. A really weird joke. Out comes a huge chest x-ray, the one Aviva's doctor has forged. Sonja grabs it and observes that it tends to look more like the x-ray of her boob job. Oops. Aviva then whips out a small stack of her doctor's cards, passing them out to the ladies. Carole takes a card but attempts to leave the table when Aviva rips the scab off bookgate by saying to Carole of Heather, "The only reason, Carole, that people close to you try to peg me as a liar is because I heard things about your writing." Heather jumps up, and Carole says simply, "I don't have to defend my career to anyone." Heather is getting real close to DONE and she says, "I want to remind everyone this is Sonja's party." Aviva tossses the x-ray at Heather and Heather snaps. In the voice of the devil, uttered through gritted teeth, Heather screams, "I would like to go home and this is not worth my time." This is Aviva's cue. In one of the most epic housewives' moments ever, staring Heather down, she says, "Let me tell you something, Heather. The only thing artificial about me...IS THIS!" BAM! LEG ON TABLE. Not only does she flop it on the table, she almost stomps it on the table, gnashing her teeth.
The reactions; it is all about the reactions. Kristen says she is going to vomit and runs across the room, huddled up with the faciliast. LuAnn is not "in churge" of her faculties because she is reacting just as I would: uncontrollable nervous laughter. Sonja and Ramona buzz at their end of the table and Carole says, "I'm out." A blond party guest right behind the action clearly says "Holy sh_t!" People laugh, whistle, stare. Then, as if her point were not made, Aviva throws the leg in Heather's direction. "Heather, why don't you take it. I'll crawl home." Kristen screams, twice in a row, "What is your problem?" Carole walks the leg back to Avia and just says, "You need help." In a classic talking head, Carole says: "You know what they say. It ain't over til the fat lady sings...or the skinny bitch throws her leg down." Aviva has given one hell of a performance art style spectacle and, even though the other ladies seem to truly hate her, this may have been her ticket back next season. In the last line of the season, we hear an off-camera Carole proclaim, "This was the WIERDEST party I've even been to." No doubt.
Lastly, we get the finale closing summaries for each lady, catching us up to date. Heather has found a less invasive procedure for Jax and is hopeful. Aviva did not let that "non-well-wisher" get her down over her book. She has also returned to LeCirque numerous times, "with both legs." Carol's book was released to rave reviews and she is single and fabulous (and, I like to imagine) lying in repose on her renovated apartment floor in a bear suit). Ramona and Mario are tring to work it out. Team Sonja is well on its way to global domination...and her football team is thriving I am sure. Kristen loves her billboard and she and Josh are working at it...in eBoost swag. Since Luann was ignored, I will add: LuAnn is dating again, debuted a dress line and is still uncontrollably giggling, cracking her own ass up over every leg pun she can think of.
Until the reunion, when we will be treated to some unbrided hatred I'm sure, and Kristern calling Sonja delusional, emphasisizng the point with jazz hands and a little dance. I have enjoyed you guys letting me share my thoughts with you. Thank you so much for reading. To the couple of housewives who checked it out, thanks for being so cool and having a sense of humor, as well as entertaining the hell out of me this season. Although a lot of people question the lineup of ladies, I adored this season and hope to see all these ladies back...and soon, Bravo! Be well-wishers, my friends! XoFollow Seth on Twitter:
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