by: Seth RileyWe have finally returned to NYC after #RHONYGoesWest, for what I have dubbed #RHONYfinallygoesthehellbackEast. It is refreshing to be back. After that trip, even I had saddle rash and a case of severe boredom. However, as we open the episode, Heather and Kristen's "bossy" fight is still a topic of conversation. As Heather and Jonathan make their way into a restraunt to meet Kristen and Josh, we hear Kristen rehashing the fight and, once again, Josh defending Heather. Heather joking says of Kristen, "Bossy pants, this one," yet Kristen fails to laugh. Josh feels that Kristen does not understand the way he and Heather operate.
After recounting how Josh had a marketing company one day, Eboost the next, moved the family to Los Angeles and then moved them back to New York--with only 10 days notice, on top of having a two-year old at the time, Kristen just wants some sympathy. Heather says of Josh, "That's how a real entrepenuer thinks." Oops. Well intentioned? Yes. Well received? Not so much. The award for dinner diplomat goes to Jonathan here who, after listening to Kristen and Josh go for each other's throats, says, "Well at least you're talking about it." Eternal optimist, that one.
Next we cut to Ramona, Mario and Avery, who always looks like she wants to evaporate when the cameras come on. They are preparing for open mic night at Birdland, an iconic NY nightspot. Mario, you see, is not just a Singer, he's a singer. Based on Ramona's red shirt with cutouts, I'm assuming she is going to flashdance while Mario sings. Ramona's "Gay Husband" Shane comes over. Shane is a song writer and has written a little ditty titled "Effortless" for Mario to sing. The two men gather around the piano and begin to practice. Mario is not bad by amateur lounge standards, but his singing is hardly "effortless." As she listens all starry-eyed (minus when she asks if Mario is in the wrog key), Ramona pours herself a big glass of Ramona Pinot and, as she sets the bottle down, rotates it so that the label faces the camera. Shane suggests Mario strip while singing (I am on board with this, by the way), and Mario suggests a costume change, maybe into Elvis. No, Ramona feels this won't work because Kristen might attack and kiss him. Mario and Avery's faces say everything here, so I don't have to.
Meanwhile, Sonja is interviewing an intern, whom she tells she needs to relax after a terribly long day. When the intern asks what Sonja has done all day, Sonja replies that she checked some e-mail. The potential intern is also a psychology student and this makes Sonja uncomfortable because she doesn't want anyone analyzing her all day. Umm, Sonja, ain't nobody got time for that. Just as the applicant is leaving, Aviva arrives. Between Sonja and Aviva, I smell a Master's Degree thesis for the intern. Sonja has zenned the hell out of her garden, even placing lemons here and there, to soften the blow she's about to deliver. Sonja tells her that she was the main topic of conversation. Aviva says inncently, "Was everybody worried about me?" Uh huh. Not quite. Sonja goes on to say no one believes her but Sonja, that they all think she is faking it and that Ramona started it all. During all of this, Aviva whips out an inhaler the size of her head and starts sucking away.
In her talking head, Sonja says she believes Aviva because she has an inhaler so large "it could blow the back of your head off." Aviva gets a look on her face and gulps, almost making me believe she is hurt and surprised, but not quite. Sonja also says they feel Aviva makes up illnesses because she cannot be away from Reid. Aviva counters that she travels all over the country visiting amputees without Reid. In her talking head, Aviva says, "I am done with these girls," and from what we have all seen, the feeling is mutual. Then Aviva says to Sonja, "Maybe I'm lying also about having an artificial leg." She then knocks on her leg, making a hollow noise. With that, Aviva has officially returned...with a thud.
Over at Carole's place, in what is sadly her only scene of the episode, she and her new assistant are mailing out premiere copies of Widow's Guide to Carole's media friends and friends with "big mouths," prior to Carole leaving for her promotional book tour in London. The first copy goes to her mentor, Barbara Walters. Second goes to big mouthed friend, Kelly Ripa. The third goes to Ralph Fiennes, and Carole whispers to her assistant, "We dated." Back up! You kissed Clooney? Okay. Now you've had my Ralph? Not cool. But I do want to know which Ralph she got: Strange Days Ralph, English Patient Ralph, Harry Potter Ralph? Not that it matters because they're all Ralph. My admiration for Carole just ballooned even more. All of this is taking place in a cloud of dust as workers continue the renovation on her apartment. The contractor shows up to see that Carole has decided to remove an AC unit, adding to the work. He is clearly irritated and Carole just glances away and says that she guesses that's an official change order. Charm will get you everywhere, and Radzi has it.
Because no episode in New York is complete without a facial, a soaking tub or the like, Sonja, Kristen and Ramona have gone in for nonsurgical treatments. Ramona pulls up her shirt to reveal her belly, which she wants work on, and Sonja replies, "You look like Winnie the Pooh. Put that away." See, I don't always dislkike Sonja. But then she blows it in a cringeworthy classic Sonja moment where she gets on the doctor's table and assumes sex positions, asking how her love handles look in each. She tells the ladies she doesn't want to lose them all because men need something to hold onto when they are in back and do that grab and gyrate thing. Yep. Ramona and Kristen turn bright red. Sonja says that from Kristen's response she knows the next place she needs to take Kristen. I shudder at the though and say a quick prayer it does not involve Tijuana or donkeys. Even more alarming: Ramona announces that she is enjoying Kristen's company and is going to take her under her wings. Kristen, if Ramona wraps a wing around you, bite and run. Lastly, Ramona gets what looks like an untrasound to burn fat cells and I think for a second I might be seeing the beginning of Ramona-Mary's Baby.
Meanwhile Sonja and Harry are having a picnic in the part and I will admit that they are very sweet together. From the way they look at one another, you can tell there is love there. Sonja tells the cameras that she and Harry had a hot romance twenty-five years ago, prior to his marriage to Aviva. Until, that is, he took another woman out for New Year's. Sonja teases Harry with talk of her g-string and sheer dress and they are very flirty. I must confess that, at this point my 13-year-old niece Sofi walks into the room and starts watching with me. I know--inappropriate--but she is a wise and mature 13. Since she is Sonja's psychological age, I found it dead on when she looked at me and said, "If she wants this to work, she needs to shut up about the other women. I'd punch her." Bam. Sonja also confides in Harry that she feels he gets her, unlike the women, which makes me see that, despite the image they project, Ramona's true colors are revealing themselves to her.
Back at the Taekman household, Kristen is at home with the kids, making dinner for Josh, who is already running over 30 minutes late. Kristen picks up the phone and calls him on speaker. Josh begins berating her to the point that she has to hang up. I sympathize with her terribly because she has a film crew in her home and places that call. She couldn't have known that Josh would go nuclear on her, and now there is footage and nothing she can do about it. An hour late, Josh strolls in, wearing his ever present Eboost tee. I have to say that, if Josh is the de facto spokesmodel, I'm starting to this Eboost causes irrational rage, testosterone surges and the means. (They need to give Ramona one.) At one point while he is talking down to Kristen, she says, "I can't breathe right now," and I wish she had held onto one of the inhalers that Aviva threw at her...just not the one that will blow the back of your head off. Not only does he berate Kristen again, he--the same guy who said he does not come home because there is no dinner on the table--says he really does not mind eating out, trashes her cooking and suggests therapy. Of course, by therapy he means having a therapist set Kristen straight so she sees that she has no responsibilities, he is king and she needs to "change her story." Kristen says, "You're gonna be sorry," and I think she is correct. He may be a true entrepeneur and a truly great guy, but he is also coming across like a true creep. Because he gets the benefit of the doubt, I won't even begin to tell you what my niece said about him.
In a quick scene, we see that LuAnn and Jacques' relationship is literally on the rocks. She has hired a photographer to shoot pictures of them and their two dogs. Jacques is being incredible rude and surly, to both the photographers and LuAnn. Even the dogs look uncomfortable. He is speaking French to LuAnn and we know he tells her to shut up at least twice. When the photographer says there will be three more shots, he complains more, even complaining that there must be a better rock because this one sucks (paraphrasing there). In short, Jacques earned himself an Eboost tee. At the end of the shoot, LuAnn is just sad, looking down at the ground. Sadly, with THIS French man and on THIS rock, LuAnn is not "in churge."
Finally, we make it to Birdland for open mic night. Mario is very nervous according to Ramona, though it translates as Mario is really rude to Ramona. It quickly becomes evident that this night is more about LuAnn than it is Mario and Ramona's need to degrade her. LuAnn is no Celine Dion, but leave her alone. She paid to do a single like many Housewives before and after her. Heather is going to sing backup for LuAnn. However, when LuAnn arrives sans Jacques, she has decided not to sing. No one takes issue but Ramona and Ramona is downright mean and cruel, taunting LuAnn in front of everyone and saying she is scared to sing because there is no autotune. Ramona even points out the piano player and says to LuAnn that she told her he only played for her. LuAnn corrects Ramona and says that he plays every Monday night. When Ramona will not stop being an immature mean girl, LuAnn delivers the line of the night: "He plays for Liza Minelli, Cow. Shut your mouth." My heart grew ten sizes and I ran and kissed LuAnn on my television screen.
Mario is up and he performs a loungy version of Effortless, with a bit of effort. While this is a love ballad and Ramona is swooning, it jumps out at me that he gave no dedication at the beginning of the song. Not that it matters, because Bravo intercut a Ramona and Mario montage of touchy feely icky love. After I got back from my shower, I saw that Ramona was still glowing. The highlight of Mario's song, however, was the camera focusing twice on Harry Dubin, who looked as if he were in a one man chicken wing eating contest, and he was winning. Even Kristen took the opportunity as a chow break and in her talking head said that it was sweet of Mario to serenade Ramona, because it is something Josh would never do...thankfully, because that kind of makes her want to vomit.
Without LuAnn performing, Heather, looking AMAZING, gets pulled onto the stage and suddenly the backup singer is front and center. After joking about her nerves, my girl grabs that mic and busts out "Bill Bailey," a jazz classic, like nobody's business. She works the stage, full on performing and what her (surprisingly good) singing lacks, her charisma compensates for. Her attitude and fun were infectious. She was so entertaining that Harry put down his chicken wings for a moment. Although it was not her intention, she went home with pockets full of lightening that she "Effortless"ly stole from Mr. Singer. Holla.
Next time, Kristen and Josh get their therapy on, a psychic warns Sonja of a brunette devil in the group, and Carole requests a snake handler for her birthday party. Thanks for reading. Until next week I will looking into brunette devils working on my snake handling! Only two episodes left until the shoe drops!
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