by: Seth Riley
We are settling back into RHONJ, and this week we got our first look at the taglines. Let us review:
Teresa: "You never know how strong you are until it's the only choice you have." Ok, solid.
Melissa: "I've learned to forgive...and never regret." Jab much? Hope she's learned to own her part too.
Nicole & Teresa A: "You're not seeing double...you're seeing trouble." This I can work with, and I hope it proves true.
Amber: "I'm a survivor. No one is bringing me down." Blunt and classic Real Housewives. Ok.
Dina: "I'm back to bring the Zen. Namaste, Bitches!" Dina just won, hands down. I love it. It's like a great one for the tongue in cheek RHONY taglines and I'm so glad this woman is back with a vengeance.
This week's episode opens with scenes intercut of all the women and their families preparing for Christmas. First we see Tre and Juicy, and Juicy is dragging out the huge artificial tree alone. When he asks for help, superstar Milania says, "I'm a girl; I'm not a boy. You do it." Burn! Over in Franklin Lakes, we see the Gorgas, where Joey is dragging a massive tree out of the basement. The tree, you see, is from their palatial Montville home and they are in what, obviously for Melissa, is an unacceptable rental. All of their decorations are giant and garish in the new house, and when the tree is too big for the house, little Antonia says, "I don't like this small, disgusting house." I wonder where she heard that? At this point, with news swirling on the internet about their former home, even Melissa has admitted that they did NOT move to get away from Tre and her kids.
Over at Nicole's, along with Teresa A., we meet the parents: Sal and Santa. Yes, this is a Christmas episode and mom is named Santa. It is Italian for "saint" and American for confusing as hell at Christmas. Love Santa already, but I am truly enamored with Sal. As their tree is being dragged out in a bag, Sal asks what's in the bag. Based on the odor, he suggests it is Jimmy Hoffa. "Don't they make spray for that?," he asks. After a long talk to the family about how only Hebrew and Chinese culture are untouched because "they never changed anything," he declares, "I don't want to talk anymore because I have to have a cigarette." I already heart Sal, and from the faces and head rubbing Santa was doing during his speech, I heart Santa too. At the Marchese house, Amber and the kids are making gingerbread houses. I relate to Amber when she says, "I used to think children were disgusting beings." She changed her mind though, and is now attempting to be a "perfect" and "controlled" mom.
Jump to Dina's house where we learn that they cannot have an inside tree because Botox, one of her hairless cats, rips it down. They are working on an animal tree with edible treats on strings for animals to snack on...though her sister suggests that the string will wrap around their tiny intestines. Dina is having a tough Christmas and says, "What I'm getting for Christmas this year is a bundle of divorce therapy sessions...and hopefully a couple of Percocets." Hallelujah and Merry Christmas!
Jumping back over to the Giudice residence, we see Tre and Joe sharing drinks and Tre shares that people were all talking about her at the harvest party. I am honestly touched when Joe says, "We know who we are. We do have four really good kids. That's something to be proud of." I am going to admit something: I had sympathy for their family, but in the past I have not been Team Giudice. That is changing. For all of the people that say that Bravo has thrown Teresa under the bus, I would argue that Bravo has done her an incredible favor with a gracious edit and a chance to show a different side of their family.
As fellow divorcees and single (or soon to be) mothers, Nicole and Dina bond over lunch and drinks. First of all, we learn that Nicole loves kale. It came out of nowhere to become a power food! I'm not so excited by it, but I appreciate her enthusiasm. The two have an ease about them and I really hope this bond grows and lasts. Nicole listens to Dina and aptly sums it up: "Dina can't make up her mind....it (marriage) has become her identity." Although Nicole doesn't say as much on camera, it appears she may have been the victim of infidelity and had to rebuild her life and move back in with Santa and Sal. When Amber's name is brought up, Nicole gives pause before saying, "We're good friends." Then she says, "Amber is definitely OCD." I can sense that this friendship is going to deteriorate very quickly. Dina chimes in with, "She's Amber Alert!"
Just after that statement, Bravo edits brilliantly back to Amber's home, where she and Jim are practicing Christmas fire drills. On first viewing, I thought this was really harsh. The second time around, I was actually cracking up. It's true that most house fires take place during the holidays and they want the kids prepared. When they were too slow, one parent shouts, "You just killed the dog." Another time, Jim says that, at the rate they're going, mommy and daddy would be BBQ. Call me sick, but I appreciate this. As Amber puts it, she survived cancer. She is not going down with fire. I get it.
Meanwhile, the Gorgas have driven to the site of the home they are going to build in Franklin Lakes, which Melissa describes as, LA Chic," though she admittedly does not know what that quite entails. I think it means too big and sparsely furnished. She then explains that, after building, she will decide if she wants to live there or in the old house. This is making no sense. Melissa suggests that the boys should mark the land by peeing on it. One of the boys runs over to Joe, points at his jeans and says, "There's a wiener in it." Why yes, that wiener is named Tarzan and we hear about it all too often (though Joey G is my RHONJ crush). Teresa and Dina show up to see the site and Joe tries to get Teresa to open up. She's not cracking, but it is very sweet and she knows he is there for her and you can see the love between them. Dina lets it be known to the cameras that she does not know Melissa well, and I feel she does not trust her. At the same time, Dina is a true friend to Tre and wants them to get along.
Over at the Apresa home, Teresa A. is meeting with her restraunt designer (and bona fide Sex Panther) Antonino. The two are looking over materials and plotting the design and feel of Teresa and Rino's next place, which will be an opportunity for their son Giovanni. Teresa says, "The best thing about having money is freedom," and I'm not hating on her for it because that is the damn truth. Cut to Rino and G (who is adorable), where Rino is showing G the business from the ground up. In a great scene, Rino is ribbing G over the use of garnish and flipping pasta. In a line that made me get the ick, Rino says, "It's like a woman. The flavor comes from underneath." Wow. Thankfully G shuts that down with an emphatic "I got it!"
Next we are treated to a Gorga/Giudice/Wakile/Pierri cousins' Christmas get together. Tre and Juicy arrive late and they are the topic of conversation. Kathy, who I miss but is too normal for this show, states that she reached out to Teresa immediately when she heard the news about the indictments...news she heard in ITALY! I got the impression that, although it was unsaid, Teresa never responded. Upon arrival, she was icy with Kathy. Rosie pipes in to say that all she can think of is the kids and that is her family. Rosie is golden and those two are good eggs. Rich misses the camera way more than the camera misses him. They all exchange gag gifts. However, I am suspecting that the gifts were targeted as Rosie got a vibrator and Kathy happened to place a bag with a dictionary in it right by Teresa. Teresa did not find the humor. Nonetheless, I hope that someone looked up ingredientses to show her the plural form. And cleanlsyness.
Back to the twins, the family is gathered at the Apresa home for dinner, a weekly tradition. We learn from Nicole that Sal and Santa, especially Santa, are concerned about Nicole's relationship with Bobby. This will be their first Christmas together, and when Nicole says that she will eventually move out, Santa lets her know that, although she will suffer an IBS attack, she will get over it. Nicole lets it be known that she is not moving in with Bobby without a ring on her finger, and for that she is smart. Cut to Christmas day, Nicole and Santa are drinking mimosas. Sadly, her boys are with their dad this Christmas. Bobby comes in and gets a drink. He then presents Santa with a gift, as well as Nicole. Nicole opens her gift and it is a sparkly pink shoe wine bottle holder. Santa cannot keep silent and calls him out for buying it at Colts Neck Pharmacy, saying, "I've seen it there!" Not winning over the family with that one, Bobby...but you get a second chance.
Christmas morning for the Gorgas involves Melissa bitching about her pitiful rental that most people should be so lucky to have. They decide to go play in the snow and Joe asks Melissa if his tongue will stick to a frozen pole. Gotta give her props because Melissa busts out with, "Contrary to popular belief, I am not the master of the pole." Joe gets his tongue momentarily stuck, sleds to the point of injury and they take it back inside their humble rental. Poor Joe even says he cannot wait to get the house built because he listens to Melissa bitching constantly. I just can't see it. Hmm. Dina and Lexi use the morning to take a walk and throw pebbles with messages into a pond. Lexi wants to get accepted to NYU and Dina lets her know that is she does not make it, it isn't what the universe meant for her. She is an awesome mom. Dina ends the talk by saying, "Just be smart and don't do anything bad because I'll beat the sh_t out of you." Fair enough. Did I mention I love her?
On Christmas morning at the Giudice house, the girls are opening their gifts and Milania is so excited by an Easy Bake Oven that I share the excitement. Clearly, the girls wanted a puppy and Tre has gotten them all stuffed puppies and they are not amused. Suddenly, real puppy sounds come from the next room and Tre and Joe have managed to sneak the girls an adorable whit fluff ball. This dog is freaking adorable and Gia immediately adopts it, though later we see all four girls in one bed huddled up with the puppy. Again, I well up when both parents tell the girls to never fight and be there for each other. The episode concludes with Tre and Joe by the fire, sharing a drink. He has gotten her a sweet card and it is obvious now that the little things matter to her. At this she cracks, and he tries not to. He says, "I'm glad that I have such a strong wife." And he does. Teresa tells Juicy that if he goes on vacation, so to speak, the family will not be able to function without him. And with that, Bravo and the Giudices have gotten through my black heart and made me teary again.
Next time, we get James Van Praagh, the Gorgas get a garbage truck, and Nicole gets accused of breaking up a family! Stay tuned and thanks for reading!
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Photo Credit: Bravo
